


A.S.S. (AKA ABSOLUTE SHIT SHOW)

by FrozenHearts



Series: I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends [5]
Category: Borderlands (Video Games), Iron Man (Movies), Tales from the Borderlands - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Ancient Technology, Cyborgs, F/M, Gen, Glitches, Mentioned Fiona, Mentioned Sasha, Robotics, Robots, Science Fiction, Technology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-18 23:35:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11885229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrozenHearts/pseuds/FrozenHearts
Summary: Natasha and Clint ask Tony to fix their friend.





	A.S.S. (AKA ABSOLUTE SHIT SHOW)

**Author's Note:**

> I started playing Tales From the Borderlands and I thought Tony Statk would be very interested in Rhys and his cyborg parts/ECHO-Eye

The last time Natasha had seen Rhys, he was gallavanting across a planet named Pandora with a woman named Fiona searching for- well she didn't hear much, judging from how statick-y her comm was, but it sounded like he was in trouble. Which wasn't at all surprising, but that's what happened when you joined forces with an intergalactic con artist and your buddy from Accounting.

She didn't expect to see him again anytime soon after her stint going undercover at some college that one time. But then she'd heard of his time with said con-artist and buddy from Accounting, and now as she sat on Clint's couch, her comm buzzed and it was none other than Rhys.

"Rhys?" Clint asked, "Doesnt he live on the moon now?"

Natasha sighed. She was loathe to believe it was now normal for her friends to live on the moon. It was normal for her friends to be supersoldiers and gods and a giant green rage machine of a monster but having a friend who lived on the moon?

Absolutely preposterous. Natasha rolled her eyes, taking the call, "Hey, Company Man. How's space treating ya?"

Rhys's answer was garbled (reception from space seemed to be awful), and she could hear the panic as he tried to explain. Clint nudged her.

"What's he want?" He asked. Natasha held a hand up, narrowing her eyes at nothing in particular as she tried to make out what he was saying.

"In my head!" was what she heard, "He's in my head and I need you to help me get him out! No, Vaughn, not you! Jack!"

Natasha pursed her lips. What did he mean by "in his head?" Who? Natasha asked him, but all Rhys gave her was coordinates to where he'd be landing his robot- quite close to Avengers Tower if she thought about it.

She'd have to sweet-talk Tony somehow, but a dude living on the moon was sure to entertain him for months to come.

\---------

 At the rendez-vous point, Tony was starting to get a little antsy. 

Okay, really he was a lot antsy, but Natasha had promised him some wicked cool tech, and so far she wasn't delivering on her promise. As far as he could tell, she wasn't even comi-

"Sorry I'm late," Natasha called, making Tony turn around. Thr spy was standing an inch behind him, her breath cool on his neck. Shivering, he distanced himself, rubbing at the back of his neck vigorously.

"Warn a man, why don't you?" Tony whined, "Feet generally make sound, or did you miss that part when learning to walk?"

Clint snorted and Tony had to wonder when exactly he had shown up in the first place. He wasn't exactly quiet, but obviously Tony needed to pay more attention. Natasha shrugged, crossing her arms.

"Better to kill people silently, don't you think?" she asked playfully.

"Uh-huh. Hey, when you said tech, I thought it'd already be here."

"He's coming, don't worry," Natasha assured him, "I'm sure his robot thing is just trying to land properly."

Tony raised an eyebrow. Robots (unless built by his own hands) weren't that interested. Most of the time, robots made by other people were clunky and big and didn't work properly. He remembered once an incident at a high school science fair; one kid had an interested concept with something called "web-shooters." Light liquid condensed to form a tight-knight rope strong enough to hold and dissolve aftet two hours. No fuss no muss, as they say. 

Unfortunately the bratty kid next to him was trying to show off and Tony ended up with peanut butter and jelly stains all over his newest Armani suit.

Not a fun time.

Clint was fiddling with one of bis arrows now, glancing around every so often before poking the tip of the arrowhead with the meat of his finger. Good- Clint was just as bored as Tony. 

"Listen, Nat-" Tony faked a yawn, I'm sure your friends are good guys and all-"

"Oh, no," Natasha chuckled, "they're bona-fide assholes."

"...Whatever. You promised me tech, I expect tech."

Natasha and Clint exchanged a glance. Tony recognised it as that one they always got when having one of their silent conversations: emotional enough to catch your eye but angry enough to male you shit your pants if you thought twice about butting in or interrupting.

Finally, after what seemed like a few minutes, Clint jutted his chin at Tony.

"What?" Tony asked.

"How does a cybernetically enhanced man with a genocidal A.I. trapped in his cranium and a giant yellow robot that shoots rockets and stun grenades sound to you?"

Tony felt himself grinning so hard he thougt his smile would cut his head in half.

"Perfect."

\---------

"Rhys."

"Rhyyyyyyssss."

"Yo. Walnut-Head, I'm talking to you!"

Rhys really wanted to get rid of stupid Handsome Jack. He hadn't known his A.I. woukd be uploaded into his head when he plugged himself into the circuit. He just thought he'd be able to trace the ten million dollars to get Fiona off his back, grab Vaughn and get out of that stupid car and off Pandora.

They got off Pandora, alright. They didn't find the ten million dollars though. And Handsome Jack had been babbling away incessantly for weeks now.

He could only hear so many jokes about Jack fucking his mom before he lost it. And Rhys was close to losing it. That's why Vaughn had told him to call Natasha, see if she could get her scientist friend to fix him. 

"Aww, c' mon, cupcake!" Jack crooned, flashing into a steady walk beside him, "Don't be like this!"

"Like what?!" Rhys shot back, "Like I don't have a murderous, lying asshole in my head all the time?! Too late, pal! That train's left the station!"

His chest heaved as he exhaled, fists clenching and unclenching. His prosthetic arm creaked with each flex of a finger. Rhys made a mental note to ask Natasha if her friend could fix that too. Jack smirked, waggling his eyebrows at him. Vaughn was to his left, giving him a concerned look. 

LoaderBot was behind him, the gears whirring in time with Rhys's steps. Honestly, he was glad the bot hadn't self-destructed. It seemed LoaderBot was the only one with him right now who wasn't crazy.

"He's a robot, idiot," Jack snapped, "He doesn't care if you shit your pants in broad daylight or go streaking for fun."

Oh, right. Jack coukd hear everything Rhys thought. Fun. 

"Shut up."

"I-I didn't say anything," Vaughn piped up for the first time in what felt like hours, an odd look on he face before he added, "Oh, you were talking to Jack, weren't you?"

Rhys sighed, "Unfortunately."

"Nah, kitten, you know what's unfortunate? A nerd like Vagisil here getting a body like that!" Jack exclaimed, grinning at how Rhys blushed and averted his gaze. He knew Jack was right in that aspect- for an accountant, Vaughn was weirdly buff, sporting defined muscles and a beautiful six-pack for days.

"Like," Jack cleared his throat, "Because of the abs alone, If l'd probably fuck him. A solid 8 out of 10, if you know what I mean."

Ugh. Rhys really didn't want to think about his best friend that way. But of course now he was because Handsome Jack was in his brain and trying to take over his body under the guise of friendship- if friendship meant havung your body taken over so Handsome Jack could flirt with Fiona's sister and slap her ass. Or somehow controlling a set of drones and using them to kill her ex-boyfriend.

Sasha still hadn't forgiven him for that one. 

"It is imperative that we reach our destination," LoaderBot spoke up, "If I am correct, if we don't get there in approximately ten minutes, you will be unable to fix your arm."

Rhys hummed. Of course these things had a time limit. Of fucking course- honestly, Rhys hadn't been to Earth since college, so he had no idea where he was; not to mention the gravitational pull was really starting to give him a headache. 

Handsome Jack beamed, flickering slightly before floatin or running or whatever he did ahead, shoving his hands through an unsuspecting Vaughn's chest.

"Aww man, I wish I could just touch his abs once- just once!" Jack cackled. Rhys found it annoying that Vaughn couldn't see Jack- it really would make it less lonely.

"Shut up, Jack."

Jack laughed, giving him a salute before flickering away.

Rhys hoped they met up with Natasha soon.

**Author's Note:**

> This was purely self indulgent and probably makes zero sense


End file.
